Thanksgiving Tips from Helen

Helen, over at Margaret and Helen, shares with us the list of dos and don'ts she's made for her family for Thanksgiving dinner.

I'm still laughing. You tell 'em, Helen!

1. Cloe. I am begging you honey. None of that Jello crap. No one eats it and the garbage stinks for a week after I throw it out. You and Jello are like Palin and McCain. How many times before you learn no one wants seconds much less firsts.
2. Jennifer. Your children are cute. We all can agree on that. Your husband’s video camera capturing every runny nose and bowel movement– not so much. Keep this up honey and you’ll have one posing for Playgirl before you know it. It’s just not natural to be that comfortable in front of a camera. Ten minutes of video when you first arrive and then the camera goes back into the camera bag.
3. Trudy. If your brother and sister want to come, they can be on time like everyone else. If they are late again this year, they can eat what the dogs don’t finish.
4. Rhonda. It’s my oven and once again I’ll be using it right up until mealtime. If you can’t bring something that doesn’t require heating, then don’t bring anything at all.
5. Mary. Your kid’s dirty shoes and my clean sofa have never met. Let’s keep it that way.
6. If you are a meat-eater, try a vegetable for your health. If you are a vegetarian, try the stuffing for the bacon. Either way, you’ll be cured of what ails you.
7. If I see one grandchild doing that texting stuff, there will be no pie for dessert. If I see one parent checking email… scratch that – new rule. Leave your cell phone in your car. They used to be called mobile phones for a reason. Now-a-days the only thing mobile about your phone is your thumbs. Trust me. Skinny thumbs and a fat ass are not a good look.
8. Jonathan. How a Republican ended up in this family is beyond me, but we love you all the same. That said, Reagan is dead darling. Get over it.
9. I cooked the meal. Your grandfather paid for it. You can clean the kitchen and we’ll call it even.
10. Honestly, if you insist on bringing anything, bring some butter. I go through about 20 sticks to get this meal on the table and I might as well start stocking up for Christmas now.
11. Marshall. I am sure you believe that your children sing beautifully. Don’t put me in a situation where I have to make you question your beliefs.
12. Grandpa Harold says if the Longhorns win, the bar is open. If they lose, the party is BYOB.